This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
