My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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