Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
he puts the penis in happiness.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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