3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
