Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
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Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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