I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
