Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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