Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
