My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
