Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
