so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
