Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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