it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
