I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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