Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I believe in your delicious
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
