I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
