Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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