my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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