they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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