Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
