She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
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