a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
