Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
