I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
