I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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