tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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