I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
