Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
