failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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