hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
