I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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