i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
