The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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