Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
