So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
