I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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