The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
