i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
