I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
