i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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