am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
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at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
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Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.