You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
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If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
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When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.