my mouth tastes like poor choices
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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