I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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