You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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