Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
