apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
