Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
