dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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