Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
