You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
