oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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