I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
