The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
