it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
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When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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